Edge City.

When do you figure that those of us in D/s type relationships take things too far? Is there a moment where you, as either the bottom or the top, take stock of things and decide, "Hey, maybe this is a little out there?"

I'm only asking because I feel like I came to this exact crossroads yesterday.

It should be stated, outright, that I am truly madly and deeply in love with my Lady. I would never do anything to her that we hadn't expressly planned and discussed prior to play. But, with that being said, a miniature Rubicon was crossed last night, and I'm not sure how to feel.

I cut her.

I cut her at her request, and very carefully, with a sterilized razor and proper aftercare.

But I cut her.

I understand that in the BDSM scene, this is considered a form of "edgeplay," or rather play that exceeds even the communities lax standards of acceptability. I also understand the inherent risks involved with cutting your lover up, chief among then in this area being the questions we'll be asked should any of these show in public.

I also understand that it was pretty fucking hot, and that Lady enjoyed it even more than I did.

There's always a conundrum with being the dominant of a relationship, because there is an expectation that you be somewhat self-assured, ready and willing to make sure that you get what you want. Sometimes, that pressure can be a bit much. This is one of those times. I want to vent my reservations, but I cant in good consience vent them to Lady. She's had such a tough time coming out of her shell and realizing that her sexuality is not a sin. To question her at this point would be tantamount to shaming her for having desire, which I flatly refuse to do.

But I just fear this puts us on a darker path than I had envisioned our sex lives to have. Then again, prior to this event she still liked me to flog her until beet-red, and choke her, and even some spit play. So perhaps our sex life isnt as golden and uplifting as I imagine it.

It's scuzzy and dirty and it all kind of has that pallor of darkness. Then again, I wouldnt have it any other way. So maybe I should stop worrying.

Whadda you think?

Charm of the Unfamiliar

I worry a great deal about a great many things. I worry, that as a white male, that my dominant role in mine and Lady's relationship is a very slippery slope. I worry that I am not feminist enough, I worry that I dont seperate myself enough from the patriarchy.

I am, like every caucasian man in America, a Misogynistic White Supremacist.

I dont like that label, but it's the truth. The long-entrenched and almost hopelessly 'everywhere' of the patriarchal system ensures this. Whether I choose to participate, to become everything that I loathe, or not--it doesn't matter. Because the system will still work without my input. I will continue to benefit from it no matter how much I try to deny it.

The most I can really do is try to analyze myself a little bit at the end of each day and try to distance myself and confront myself with truths that I might not like to hear. It's a process, and it's one that I feel I've been successful in thus far.

But it brings me to write pieces like this, too, as a matter of asking the question I may not want to.

I'm a huge, huge fan of queer porn.

It just does something for me. Perhaps it's the realism of the lovemaking act. Perhaps it's the incredibly sexy stars of it--women like Jiz Lee and Madison Young. Maybe it's even the old DIY in me responding positively to what is still a very grassroots group of filmakers and actors.

But I always have had this troubling feeling whenever I watch it--am I just responding to the exoticism of it all?

Consider what I have gone through as a fan of smut of all sizes, shapes, and forms. I hit puberty just as the Internet was becoming such an all-encompasing force in the lives of, well, everyone. Which means I was able to consume pornography at a pretty swift pace. Lesbian pornography, for the longest time, bored the shit out of me. But look at what the market had at the time: Bimbos who weren't even truly bisexual, doing it for the money, with no passion whatsoever. It WAS boring, because falsity at it's very nature is boring.

But within the last 4 years or so, I found out about real queer porn. This stuff wasnt like anything I'd seen, ever, in ANY pornography. The first movie I ever saw was the Crash Pad. Most of these women were real life partners. It was hot, hotter than boiling molasses, folks. There was such passion, such interplay, such acceptance of various kinks that I thought I'd have to search high and low to find in porn--all right in front of me, in neat little packages with titles like NoFauxx and Superfreak. I couldnt then and still cannot get enough of it.

Like I said, though, those old fears are constantly creeping in: Am I enjoying this because it offers a glimpse into something I'll never be a part of? Is it that I just secretly enjoy seeing real lesbian sex like a boy peeking into the women's locker room?

As a heterosexual white male, do I have the right to watch queer porn and enjoy it?

Anal Post: Lubrication, Lubrication, Lubrication

I must commend Sinclair Sexsmith over at Sugarbutch, which is fast becoming my favorite sex blog on the internet. She's been doing a series of posts regarding anal sex, including toy and book reviews, porn suggestions, and interviews with both professional porn actors and good ol' regular folks. I'd check it out if I were you and had half a brain.

We love anal play in my house. Lady is a confirmed addict to the stuff, and I am too: It not only represents a real dominance thing, but it also shows me that she accepts me fully for who I am ( you'll find you're a whole helluva lot less self-conscious about your body once you've been given a rimjob ). There's a big difference in the feel, especially on her end, as her normal girlish moans turn into something deeper, throatier, and honestly it's pretty hot.

But the first-time user can run into a lot of problems, and chief among them is selection of Lube. In the small-ass sex shop in my small-ass town, there are at least 30 different brands and varieties. In bigger cities, maybe double that amount. Online? Foget about it you're spoiled for choice.

So, given that I have the benefit of experience, I decided to give back, so to speak. These are, in my experience, the top three lubes for anal play.

3. LubeXXX Original -- I dont use this so often. It's got more viscosity than Astroglide, but it suffers from Astroglide's major downfall: stickiness after a certain point. And that can just kill the fun. It isnt my go-to, but I keep a small tube in the car just in case we feel spontaneous.

2. ID Velvet -- I love this stuff. It just has the best feeling of any lube I've ever tried. Afterwords you arent sticky, or even greasy ( an issue that even my number one has ), you're just smooth. Like 'fresh out of a shower lotioned up and air dried' smooth. It just doesnt beat out my number one because it's a great all-purpose lube; this next one is pretty much built for anal sex.

1. Boy Butter -- I've always maintained that if you want to get good at something, you consult an expert. It's how I feel like I've remained a good and generous lover. I watch queer porn to learn new techniques and things of the like. I also figured that Gay males would be a fountain of info as to what a great anal lubricant is. And Jesus did I strike gold. Boy Butter is just an amazing anal product. It's creamy in consistency, though it seems to melt and turn clear with some skin contact. It retains it's slipperiness for what I'd estimate is a good 30-45 minutes without reapplication, good for those of us who are into a bit of the old sex/tease/sex/taste/sex. It does leave you feeling a bit greasy afterwords, but Lady swears by the stuff. On top of that it's pretty affordable ( something I really cant say about ID Velvet ), and it seems to last forever ( in a year we havent gone through the 9 ounce bottle I bought ). Highly highly reccomended.

So there you have it. And remember if you're new to this game: No matter how much lube you think you need, chances are you need more.

Implement Woes

I've been searching for a decent alternative to my hand, recently. Now don't get me wrong, my hand is one mighty bit of meat, wide and flat and rough from carpentry work and a penchant for cooking with my hands. But it does tire out, as anyone's will, and I want something with a little more of an...official bearing.

I want something that, once removed and brought into the open, my Lady will recognize as a sign that she's in for serious punishment.

We've a ping pong paddle, and it works pretty well, especially with the waffle-like rubber pads still intact. But it's short, so I cant get much of a good swing. We've a cheap rubber flogger, made up of stretchy strings not unlike the koosh balls of yore. It doesnt hurt so much, only stings really. On the plus side it gives her ass the most interesting cross-section of designs, thousands of little thin red marks blending into one another. But it just doesnt have the swing I want. I need something more powerful than my current roster--it's just plain not enough gun.

I've gone over the options, mostly at Stockroom-via-Sugarbutch, which has some amazing pices of work. It's all very inventive, things such as tire treads with handles on them, carpetbeaters, fiberglass canes, and this thing called an impression paddle that'll leave a big mark that reads "BITCH" or "SLUT" and such. My only problem with that last idea is the pupose of that paddle is to mark your sub, and while I'm behind that, you're really limited to one good swing per cheek before the words start to overlap and get jumbled. What am I supposed to do, only spank Lady twice? No ma'am, that dog won't hunt.

I'll more than likely end up making a nice paddle myself, because I can hardly pass up and opportunity to creat something, and I will keep y'all updated on the status of that. But part of me wonders if I shouldnt start saving up for this beautiful piece of work. Isn't it just so damn pretty? And I bet it hurts like a motherfucker, too.

America's Next Top Sir

I've been feeling reflective lately on just how to define my sexual identity.

There's no doubt in my mind that I am an aggressive, dominant partner. While this hasn't been how I've operated in relationships my entire life, it is assuredly where I identify right now. It has taken me a while to get to this point, and it has taken a great amount of self-analysis.

For a while, I struggled to reconcile this feeling of dominance with my attempts to further myself with the patriarchy. Let's face facts: I'm a white male in America. Without even contributing to a fucked system, I benefit from it. I want to benefit less from it, and I do try, but the fact of the matter is that I will. Probably for the rest of my life.

So as far as the term "Master" goes, I tend to shy away from it. It carries a sort of connotation of ownership and superiority, and while my Lady and I do engage in a relationship similar to most Master/slave dynamics, I really don't like it. For people of color and for women, I feel like the term "Master" has a history that I'm just plain uncomfortable with.

"Dominant" is one that I dont mind, but it seems rather clinical. Dont get me wrong, I can be a clinical bastard when I want to be, but I feel like "dominant" means so many other things, so I shouldnt use it.

"Sir" is odd to me. I like it when it's used, which my Lady does often. It does carry a sort of air of authority, which ironically enough I dont mind.

The one that I struggle the most with is "Top." It's a term that the homosexual community pretty much invented, and I feel like if I use it I'm sort of stealing it. I've read other writers who have utilized the term in the S&M community, so I understand that I'm not the only one who likes to use it, but still. On the other hand, I like it the most as an identifier: It's concise, it has a bit of mystery to it, and it doesnt really have any kind of nasty patriarichal connotation.

There's of course the possibility that I dont need to worry about this too much. But self-analysis is an important fact of anyone's life, so long as they hope to be fulffilled.